Pregnancy nausea can be crippling, making every day existence a seemingly insurmountable task. Depression was at the door and some days, I have to be honest, I opened it and let him in. His oily voice uttered words like: “you have reason to hate this time.” On especially dark days when the sky was grey and the churning inside me made opening the fridge a difficult task, the voice would say, “why did you even want more kids? You can barely handle the ones you’ve got!” The taunting behind his jeers and the realness of his accusations would seek to wiggle their way into my subconscious, like a splinter that begins to fester if not plucked out.

That’s the voice of the accuser, the festering gangrene that seeks to dismantle the voice of truth in my life. It’s a voice I know well, but even still a voice I sometimes succumb to. It’s a voice that sounds like truth, but is an endless hole of lies. It’s a voice that seeks to rob and steal every ounce of joy, leaving a lifeless husk behind. It’s a voice that is relentless, seeking to pummel like ocean waves, anything that appears to be audaciously stubborn.

There is an overwhelming sensation that pulsates through each word, producing in me the only logical outcome: panic, depression, complete overwhelm when thinking of the future.

In moments like that, the only weapon I have is to whisper truth. My voice may quiver at first and I may not fully believe the words I’m saying, but truth if even a whisper, has the power to vanquish lies. The truth that children are a gift and reward from the Lord (Ps. 127:3). Truth that God has created each of my children with purpose and a calling. Truth that I am privileged with the responsibility and invitation of introducing more children who can be salt and light as they walk the earth. The truth that I get to learn more about the character of God in a greater measure by the life that stirs in my womb. The truth that any sufferings of this present time are only temporary and a drop in the bucket compared to the joy of bringing a new life into the world. Sometimes it takes days to lose hold of that voice’s power, sometimes minuets, but regardless of how long, the relief comes. At first it doesn’t seem tangible, but then it becomes more pungent and more pronounced. It’s the feeling of hope, of peace, and unreasonable joy. The feeling that spring is coming.

This may seem dramatic, but in my experience, the warfare involved in maintaining a healthy perspective from day to day in the mundane moments, is the most dramatic and life determining act that we can engage in. The act of determining which thoughts to listen too, which small actions to take, and which things to reach for, are the stepping-stones on which we move forward or sink into the mud.

The interesting thing about this time in between is that I wished I could just skip it all together, like ripping out pages from a book, but I couldn’t and I’m glad. This was a time when I needed to be productive and creative. I had a book to finish and polish, which was due in less than a month. It needed my creative energy, my attention and a fully functioning mind.

Sometimes those things that seem like major inconveniences are the things that pull us out of ourselves and force us to continue to live and to create. Sure bad days still come and I am completely incapable of stringing two words together, but there were also some days when that outlet gave me a needed focus. Sometimes creativity can’t be forced, but sometimes engaging in creativity when we don’t feel like it, can force us out of ourselves and into the place that God is calling us to be. Creating is engaging in God’s character, His likeness, bringing something from nothing. It’s a gift, but it’s also an invitation to partake in a privilege. In the process I found that I was given life in return.

If you find yourself on a mountaintop, I applaud you. But if you feel like you are trying to navigate the caverns of the valley, I want to say to you that you can walk in joy there too, especially there. Joy was MADE for times such as these. The pull of life: the morning voices of your children, the dog that needs to be walked, the meals that have to be cooked, and the words that need to be written, can all be an opportunity to call you back to life. In a difficult season these things can help remind you that life is worth living, even in the time in between.