First off, if you’re reading this I want to sincerely thank you for being on this journey with me. The kindness and support that I’ve received from so many of you have kept me going and your little nudges of encouragement have meant a great deal to me.

 I want to begin with some honesty and a little backstory on my last post (which was over a year ago, pathetic I know). The truth is, I was only able to write those encouraging and hopeful words, because I was talking with an agent who was VERY interested in my book at the time. I thought the disappointment, the waiting; the disillusionment was nearly coming to an end. It’s easy to see a silver lining in times like that: your coming to the end of the tunnel, the light is shinning, your fears are abating and you’re ready to emerge with your head held high, being truly confident that it was all worth it. That was where I was and I wanted to capture the moment, before moving on to “the good stuff.”

Spoiler Alert: that agent who I spent two hours on the phone with, who wanted to read the manuscript before signing with me? Yeah, she never responded after promising to respond in two weeks. I waited the obligatory two weeks before inquiring. I waited some more, checking my email seven hundred times a day, agonizing over the anticipated response, but one never came.

Not only was it agonizing, it was humiliating and disheartening. This agent had truly believed in the story and she LOVED my pitch, but when I didn’t hear back from her, I assumed my manuscript wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on. I was left with dashed dreams and a mouthful of the bitterest humble pie I had ever tasted. Rindy’s story had peaked her interest, but it must have been my execution of it, my inexperience, perhaps errors, lack of vision (the list was endless) that turned her off.

Fast-forward a year. In an absolute fit of curiosity after not successfully landing another agent, I thought about the aforementioned agent while folding laundry and I gave her a call (randomly, remembering I had her number saved). She picked up my call! It turns out that in the midst of receiving my manuscript, this agent began a horrible divorce and left agenting books all together.

Talk about closure.

A note on the process for those who are interested: the precarious thing about querying is the idea that there could be one *maybe just one agent, who would be willing to champion my story. It’s the never-ending carrot that dangles in front of the desperate writer. As I’ve explained before, agents are the gatekeepers to the publishing world, but they’re also EXTREMELY subjective. If I heard back from an agent I queried at all, most said something like: “I’m no longer taking fiction, not signing new authors, or I’m not interested in stories with a faith element, etc.” The last rejection I received was from an agent I met at a Christian writer’s conference. She said that, “books set outside the United States are a hard sell.”

My observations of the current publishing world:

–       If the protagonist is male, the book is a “hard sell.” Strong-female leads are in vogue.

–       If the book’s not set in France, Germany or the United States, it’s a “hard sell.”

–       A novel based on a “true story” that explores an underrepresented historical atrocity, if it’s not deemed “hot” in the current trends, doesn’t garner much interest.

Things that are selling:

–       Erotica and Romance in any setting or genre.

–       Romance.

–       ROMANCE.

–       World War II stories.

–       Books about animals.

I tried to keep my head up as I told myself that I could NOT give up, but in the light of the opposition, I stopped believing my own words. During this time, I came across a statistic. I had read this statistic at the beginning of my querying when my hopes were high, but at this late stage it hit me not as a challenge, but as the sign of the complete impossibility of my dream.

Less than 24% of all pitched books receive publication.

In the face of imposter syndrome’s gnarly sneer and feeling like a complete fool, I let it overshadow everything else. I mean, who in the heck did I think I was? I was so ashamed of the audacity that I had exhibited, to even suggest that I might get a book deal.

Yet, like a whisper, in the midst the looming impossibility, the peace to trust that God had indeed set me on this path propelled me onward. The whisper said, “It doesn’t matter how impossible, if I’ve told you to do it, then it will come to pass.”

Again, I had to choose, which voice I was going to believe: the one that was obvious or the one that took faith to achieve. I don’t mean to be cliché and all the things, but this is honestly what life boils down to:

Who’s voice are we going to obey?

It’s really easy to have faith in what you thought God said, then it is when you’re standing with the water lapping at your toes and the utter impossibility of the situation is staring you in the face.

I want to be clear about something here. There are many people who self-publish and do a remarkable job of it. There are also people who self-publish and literally vomit (me) thinking about marketing a book without a publishing company behind them. I am not saying that self-publishing is somehow lesser than or admitting defeat. What I’m saying is, self-publishing is a viable option (one I may consider one day), but I knew in my bones that I needed guidance, a mentor and a team of experts working on this story because I could not do it justice alone. In other words, self-publishing just wasn’t my vision or my dream. Yet I knew that if the story wasn’t going to go anywhere with traditional publishing, then there were only two options: giving up or self-publishing. It literally went against the fibers of my being to give up, but it also was very hard contemplating going down a pathway I genuinely didn’t believe I would succeed in (a $5k-15k endeavor at that). Yet, because I knew this story was a story worth being told, then I could not shove it in a drawer in defeat, even though that’s really what I wanted to do.

I told my mom on the phone a few weeks ago that I was nearly done. I couldn’t believe in what I had written any more and I certainly couldn’t believe in myself to write anything else that could be “marketable” ever again. I told her I didn’t know if I would ever write again. This may seem overly dramatic, but I honestly didn’t know if I could go through the whole process again to come up empty. I contemplated my naivety and how I sacrificed so much of my life on a story that I thought the world would be clamoring for. Instead, the general consensus declared a glaringly opposite reality, with a great big shrug, “no thanks” or complete silence.

Is this the most depressing thing you’ve ever read yet? Sorry, but also kinda not sorry because it gets good, I promise!

Then on one dreary afternoon, I was listening to a podcast and I heard about a Christian traditional publishing company that operates a little differently than the rest and accepts submissions directly, without the agent as a go between. Something in my heart said, “Just do it.” I certainly did NOT look like I belonged in a punchy Nike advertisement as I pushed “submit” with little enthusiasm or determination. I sent my proposal and pitch on a whim, very unlike all the others I had a hundred times before (ok not hundreds). I had received so many “no’s” that I had a hard time believing that I was capable of receiving a “Yes.”

However, I did receive a yes. I’m gonna say it again, for myself (who is still trying to make her way from the back row).

I DID, INDEED, RECEIVE A YES!!!

I have one word for you reading this, dear you, who for some insane reason decided to sign up for my lengthy and extremely sporadic muses. If God has nudged you to do something and if it’s for His glory:

DO NOT GIVE UP ON WHAT HE SAID.

He always has the final say. It’s okay to give up on yourself, it’s okay to have moments of despair, but do not loose the ability to have faith in what He said. Your faith may only be a gust, but a small gust of wind is all it takes to cause movement. Be faithful and He will prove to be more faithful still.

PS: The book will be coming out in the next 1-2 years. I know it’s a long time, unfortunately I don’t make the publishing standard rules, but I figure if you’ve put up with me for this long, you may be okay with sticking around for a bit longer ;). I’ll keep you updated on the process!