You may have noticed that I’ve begun a bit of a metamorphosis of late and it’s been a seesaw between excitement and terror. Fears sometimes pop up as I step out into something new— into being new. What if I make the wrong choice about what to do next? What if I’m becoming a worse version of myself? What if I use my free-will poorly to hurt myself and family?

As I pour my fears, doubts and uncertainties onto the page, it feels a bit like running— pounding my feet on the hard ground until I work out the thing that is tangled within me. Writing has become an act that untangles me, as prayer does, when in fact most of my scribblings end up becoming exactly that.

On one particular day, while sitting in a coffee shop, I scribbled:

Lord, help me to have confidence that I can make good decisions for my future.

I saw a picture in my mind and so I began to write about it. Then like a ray of light, a truth broke into my heart that accompanied the picture. In order grasp this message, I continued to write. 

Our lives are like a room: our time and capacity have limits. We have one life to live while on this side of eternity. Sometimes our room is full of inherited items: a chair from great grandma, a China cabinet and a hodge-podge of things that we allow because we feel guilty getting rid of them. Because they aren’t necessarily bad. Because they are comfortable. Because someone expects us to keep them. Because we will feel shame if we don’t. No one forces us to take them, but because we think we must, we just allow them to hang around, taking up space.

Whoa, I thought, you mean I can clean this room out? I don’t have to keep the things that feel like they’re suffocating me?

The resounding answer was: “yes!”

You know, free-will has kind of gotten a bad-wrap. It seems like a dirty word because we’re almost expected to use it poorly, but God gave it to us as a gift. It’s a gift that we can use for good.

But people-pleasing is not by default choosing rightly. In fact, I’d argue it’s the opposite. I think people-pleasing and holding onto all those things we *think* we should be and do, is the enemy’s tool to keep us stuck. It’s to keep us in the cycle of taking whatever others pass off to us (regardless of how well-intentioned) and letting them take space in our one, small and beautiful life.

I then saw myself standing in an empty room, it was terrifying and yet exhilarating.

Then the Lord whispered so gently and so lovingly:

"Now, go fill it."

I panic. “But what if I bring in something that doesn’t belong? What if I fill it with wrong items?” My voice echoed off the bare walls. 

The answer was simple: “Keep the receipts— it doesn’t have to stay. We’ll fill it together.”

Freedom flowed over my soul. 

Here's the deal: we don’t have to keep everything we “inherited” from others. We get to fill our lives for good or for ill, but if we follow His voice, then we can trust the process. We can trust that He’ll tell us to remove things that don’t serve us or bring Him glory, so we should keep the receipts handy for anything we might pick up on a whim. Free-will is a gift and we get to fill the "room" of our lives with things that are good and pleasing. Things that embody who God created us to be, with our own unique gifts, tastes and decor. The decision is ours: we can fill it with flowers for others to enjoy, or an antique shop with old books or even a cozy place to retreat from the cold.

We not only get to choose, but we must, or else someone will choose for us.

In this life we have but one, little room to fill.