A Look Back
September 7, 2024
On Updating Plug-ins
I sit here, thrumming my fingers on my desk, during the few precious moments of nap time. What am I doing?
I’m updating plug-ins on my website.
Why? Honestly, I have no idea, but I know it’s important to keep things running smoothly. I’m a little peeved because I don’t want to take the time to do this, but it feels pointless when I could be doing something else. Something more productive.
I google: why do I need to update my plug-ins?
Here’s why:
- Security: Outdated plugins can introduce security vulnerabilities that hackers can exploit to gain access to your website.
- Performance: faster, more efficient and more responsive.
- Compatibility: keeps everything jiving and capable of gaining new ways of operating.
Then it hits me. This is how I am about many things in my life. I want them to work for me right away and the maintenance of the thing is what makes me feel all antsy and “ready to bolt.” I want to be a machine that ticks the boxes, writes the thing, submits the posts, just to be done. I have such a small window of time to dedicate to this frivolous thing called “creative writing,” I need to maximize it, for Pete’s sake.
Yet as I do all of these things, an ugly, leeching sensation has been swirling in my gut. When I read someone’s else’s words that just flow or have the pleasure of perusing someone else’s creativity, this sensation becomes overpowering.
Just recently, I’ve discovered that this thing has a color: it’s turquoise; an odd mix of the green-eyed jealousy and the blue-eyed spite. Together you get this thing that likes to sneak around at the most improbable moments, poking its head up and saying, “oh man, wouldn’t it be nice to be her?”
This thing is envy. And if you remember one of my general rules to live by is, “examine your envy, because it will tell you how you’ve stopped taking responsibility for your life.”
Ouch.
You see, the thing I have been most envious of is people who seem to truly enjoy creating and do it for that purpose alone. I also want to discover if I can get there myself.
You see, the thing I have been most envious of is people who seem to truly enjoy creating and do it for that purpose alone. I also want to discover if I can get there myself.
It’s true, if you don’t quit, you’ll eventually be done. However, there is this desire, this curiosity and this wonder that beckons to me, like a voice on the wind. It whispers, “but what if there’s more?”
I realize that I’ve been running for quite a while with plugins that need to be updated. I’ve blasted through the warning signs so many times, that I don’t even know where they are anymore. I’d like to blame it on a book that’s taken a decade to write and all the roadblocks I’ve had along the way, and I know that’s contributed. While there is mostly gratitude and a great sense of relief at its completion, there is also a little sadness. Sadness that I’ve come all this way on sure will-power. To be fair, there were moments of elation, or joy as I wrote a sentence, or a feeling of “that was good.” However, there were many, many months of pushing, working to a place of depletion for the sole purpose of: getting the book done. This may sound absurd over one book and perhaps it is a little, but I’ve realized that my creativity tank is a bit more finicky than I once thought. I’ve realized that joy in creativity can be a little allusive if all the plugins are out of date.
So, this is my public benediction to find out what those plug-ins are and update them, so that I can: better navigate outside attacks, be more responsive and efficient, and be more open to new ideas and avenues. I need to know if I really like writing. I need to know if I miss doing it. I need to discover who I am, now that I’m giving myself permission to, for the first time in ten years.
Creativity To-Do List:
1. Finish reading The Artists Way and actually complete the assignments. I got halfway through and then got too busy with the launch of my book.
2. Allow myself some free time that I don’t have to be productive. I have a day a week that is for the book alone, now that it’s finished, I have free time to explore new projects.
3. Branch, maybe read some new genres, maybe take a break. Reading has felt like a to-do and that is a crying shame.
5. Go on more walks. Most of my inspiration has come from going on long walks (something I've neglected).
4. Experiment with different avenues for creative writing. I’m curious if I have a new book in me or if not a book, then what?
