My thumb hovers over the colorful gradient of the Instagram app.

I restrained myself from clicking on it for an hour, because I told myself that I don’t care. I know in the big scheme of things, this is small, insignificant and non-important.

But that’s a lie.

You see, I care too much.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time creating a reel, picking a song, a filter and writing a caption. I had thought, this will get more likes than usual, people will notice this. This will go viral, this will be shared and lauded and loved. I will be noticed; I will be seen.

I click the icon, my stomach clutches.

Did it load? Not yet, because I don’t have any notifications.

I refresh the page.

This can’t be!

Nothing. Not one, single like.

My impulse is to delete it, hide my face, delete myself in the process. There’s this sinking feeling that swirls in my gut, undermining my identity and sapping my creativity.

A needling voice breathes through the crack in the door, sending a familiar shudder down my spine.

“Your voice doesn’t matter.”

“Everyone else is doing a better job than you are.”

“You are insignificant.”

“You are a failure.”

Have you ever heard this voice?

I have, probably every single day since being on this blasted app. This app that every marketing professional, publisher, agent, next door neighbor says you must be on in order to be “successful.” Yet everyone tells you, you must be on here, but few people tell you how to survive the way it feels like a vice. Did I think I would gain thousands of followers after hard work, originality and consistency? Probably, yes. Did I think that I would somehow find my significance here? I’m afraid to admit that yes, yes, I did.

Sometimes I still do.

We live in a world that is run by technology. We hear It’s not enough to just hone your craft, you also must become an expert in marketing, social media algorithms and know what hashtags are trending to rise above the great slush pile of content. Social media is a loathsome thing and is addictive, manipulated and not healthy to society, yet here I am.

I get it. I do. In order to be able to connect with others, you must appear to exist. In order to appear to exist, you must make a post, speak words, smile into the camera, and generally just show up. But I’ve struggled with the reality that in order to be here at all, you must be here all the time. You must be sensational, niche, incredibly talented in communication and above all you must know who you are and how to market it. I am none of these things. 

It all feels so futile and has for a long time. I dream of deleting it all and existing in a world that doesn’t require my ability to perform against the algorithm, tick tock dances and influencers that are all far wittier, prettier and more apt at this whole thing than I am. I have done that before. I’ve deleted it all once and I can do it again. But I’ve also come to realized that I like to run from things that are consistently uncomfortable.

So here I will stay. Why? Because what I’m seeking to do is write a book and connect with others and that requires that I be present. Be here. I also have felt God confirm that this is a necessary part of stewarding a gift, a call, and a prerogative that He’s given me. Despite my constant paralysis and questioning, I’ve found beauty here.

I’ve found YOU here.

 I’ve also found out a few valuable lessons that I’m trying to live out, to make this whole thing more bearable and dare I say it, even more enjoyable. I’m not peddling advice on how to grow your audience, become an overnight sensation or even get more likes (I’m horribly unqualified for that). All’s I do have to offer is a little balm for the fellow burned-out soul.

DATE WITH CREATIVITY

Do you need me? Probably not.

My earnest payer is not that I wouldn’t just contribute to the noise while on social media but have one worthwhile thing to say each month. Even just one. So, if I’ve added the smallest bit to your life at all, then all has been worth it. But the thing is, the world will be just fine without my meager contribution to it. You don’t need to see our chicken eggs that bring me joy, my newest seedlings, my book review, the “aha moment” I just had. There are so many others who are doing it far better.

I have found though, that despite my misgivings and this constant expectation I place on myself for output, social media has been good for me if I’m doing it from the right place.

I’ve experienced a shift in my perspective that goes against the advice of the day when reaching a target audience. I’ve stopped thinking so much about what will get me noticed, my voice heard and have instead stopped to listen and ask questions. I’ve stopped thinking so much about the proverbial person on the other side of the screen and *gasp* started thinking about myself instead.  

How in the world, you ask?

I know I scarcely believe it myself, but I’m learning that it’s not about the amount of likes that I get on a post or comments or shares (believe me they’re meager), it’s the simple act that I am showing up. I’m offering my gift. I’m growing in my ability to write, to post and to share some of the deepest parts of myself in the midst of resistance.

I’ve come to see it’s the equivalate of working out. This social media world is a wonderful place to grow and experiment and connect. It’s worth it just for the purpose of giving yourself an outlet for creativity, for connection and for purpose. It feels like an adventure in learning to create, fail and sometimes succeed before others.

There is something significant about shared art and I think that also includes social media too. It builds confidence, forces you out of your own little world and breathes a sense of expectancy around what you are seeking to do.

But it does not define your worth.

FOLLOWING

Let’s face it, the whole point of this thing is to gain a significant following. What is this proverbial number? No one really knows, but the main point is that in order to be *somebody* this number needs to be big. This equates that in order to be successful, one needs a big, fat following.

You see, I’ve heard few people talk about obedience to God in obscurity. We see influencers, pastors, speakers who are lauded and loved and we think *they have arrived. * We think they’re in the center of Gods will for their life (if someone could point me to what the *center* is that would be great). They are favored. They are saying something of great worth. We envy those who have platforms because in today’s world platforms equal success. I admit that sometimes fantasize about what I could write, and the publishing deal I could get if I had a platform with thousands of followers. I’d be successful then.

But Jesus once again has been shifting my perspective. The more I’ve sat with this upside-down world, the more I’ve discovered that it just doesn’t seem right. Obviously, the world operates one way, but if we profess to know Jesus then that way becomes different, it becomes more narrow.

When going to God with my struggle, I found a shocking and timely truth: Jesus purposefully had a small following. His words turned people away and He didn’t chase after them.

We find this crazy thing in John 6 happening. Jesus is starting his ministry; people are taking notice and He does this INCREDIBLE AND MASSIVE MIRACLE of feeding five thousand people. Instead of breaking in His new followers easily, Jesus says things that are difficult to hear, they sound strange, and they don’t really make sense by human reasoning.

Like: “I am the bread which comes down from heaven, that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread which came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread that I shall give is My flesh, which I shall give for the life of the world…He who eats my flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him…”

At these sayings, many stopped following him. Jesus even asked his disciples, “do you also want to go away?”

To which Peter answered, “Lord, to whom shall we go. You have the words of eternal life. Also, we have come to believe and know that you are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

If anyone in the world “got it right.” It was Jesus, the perfect Man and eternal God. If anyone deserved a big following, He did. If anyone had words that the entire world needed to hear, He did. If anyone should have actively amassed millions of followers, He should have.

If we use Jesus as an example, then a large following does not equal success, or worth, or significance. Jesus certainly didn’t find His identity there and neither should we.

I may never have many followers. Many people may never know my name, but at the end of the day if I’m walking in obedience, listening and obeying to God’s leading, then it doesn’t matter anyways. If I’m seeking to steward a gift, learn, grow and give Him glory, then that is the definition of success.

When you peel back the layers, the essence of a thing can be seen. Sometimes that peeling is the thing that produces the sweetest fragrance, like when peeling a tangerine. That fragrance alone is a worthy pursuit.

FAITHFUL

The parable Jesus teaches in Matthew 25 illustrates the importance of stewardship of a gift. It tells the story of a Master who entrusts his wealth with his servants.

Have you ever really stopped and thought about that, though? The gifts, talents, abilities are God’s way of sharing His wealth with you. Thus, your ability to write, teach, paint, sing, dance, quilt, etc. is an overflow of God’s wealth.

He gave everyone a different amount, depending “each according to his ability.”

Whoa. Everyone has been given a unique gift, a different calling and a unique expression of Him. It never is, nor should it all be, equal, because we all have a different purpose to accomplish. Thus, comparison is disparaging of the gift that we have received.

Ouch.

Matthew 25:23 says: “You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities.”  

Have you ever considered if God cares about your faithfulness in your creativity, which even includes your social media posting? That stewardship certainly includes sacrifice, time investment and the act of consistently showing up.

If you’re feeling drained in creating and posting, it’s perfectly okay to step away (despite all the warnings that it will be social media suicide). If you’ve discovered that the thing you’re chasing is indeed not a worthy pursuit, then by all means, let it go. But if you feel paralysis in posting anything ever and it’s become something you dread, know that there is a force, a great foe, the enemy of your soul who is trying to stop you from saying the very words you are being called to say. He wants to stop you from sharing the wealth God has given to you. He wants to stop you from being a faithful servant to God who asks you to transform your gift into something beautiful through your obedience to Him. 

You are called to overcome that voice and steward the gift that God has entrusted to you. There is no use in comparing the gift, hiding the gift, hating the gift. You must just use the gift and prove your faithfulness.

No one will force you; few may even notice if you fail to, but you will notice.

You will change; your confidence will grow, and your identity will uncurl from around the thing it should never have been so tightly entwined around, in the first place. Your identity could never be boiled down to a thing so small, so fleeting, as applause before men. Your identity is being forged anew. Each time you resist, you post, you dance, you paint, you sing before others. In doing so, you’re doing so before an audience of One.

Your identity could never be contained here. Your significance is far greater than this. I see you. God sees you. What you are doing is worthy, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. What you’re planting, painting, sharing, stewarding today, may bear fruit in eternity.

Just keep going.