*Note: This piece was previously published by Joyful Life Magazine in the Fall 2022 “Adventure” issue.

“You’ll turn out ordinary if you’re not careful.”— Ann Brashares

Her words stopped my innocent Pinterest scrolling. Not only were they profound, they spoke deeply to my greatest fear.

Don’t turn out ordinary,

Don’t turn out ordinary, 

Don’t you dare turn out to be ordinary. 

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS

Since the age of 7, I dreamed of living a life of adventure and intrigue. I dreamed of climbing the highest mountains and plunging to the depths of humanity’s darkest crevices, all while bringing the message of Jesus’ saving grace to those who had never heard. Missionaries like Heidi Baker, Jackie Pullinger, Bruce Olson, and Mother Teresa were my heroes who lived lives of ultimate adventure. The idea of living in the wild, among wild things, and blazing a new trail captured my heart from an early age. I could already picture the hazy sky and vibrant colors, and could almost taste the dust of the Sahara. All in the name of following Jesus to the ends of the earth, of course!

Unsurprisingly, as soon as I graduated high school, I set off for YWAM—a discipleship training school with a focus on missions. I had traveled to China on a mission trip as a teenager, but I wanted more adventure still. In the course of my training, I lived in Cambodia for three months and the country captured my heart. Playing soccer in the rain with street children, traveling to remote villages who had never heard the name of Jesus before, living like a nomad—it was the life I had always pictured myself living. I happily declared myself ruined for ordinary life, and I was ready to answer the call to follow God to the places most people were unwilling to go.

During this time, I was dating a boy named Steven. I was crazy about him, and I had the quiet peace in my heart that whispered, “this is right” despite any fear. He was tall, swoon worthy, and committed to following Jesus. Dreams and plans of the future seemed like an endless buffet. I didn’t care where I went or what I did; the only requirement was it would not be ordinary.

Steven proposed on the edge of a mountain, and we got married five months later. I had written our future years earlier, before I even knew his name, and thought he was on board with all ‘our’ plans. This sweet boy had promised me he “wanted to make my dreams come true,” and I was going to hold him to his promise, for better or for worse.

FEELING STUCK

While navigating the early months of marriage, I felt this nagging sensation to move forward with “the plan.” I didn’t bring it up every day or even once a week, but I began to feel like things were not going how I had expected. I was pursuing a Bachelor’s in Creative Writing while working at a farm-to-table café. Steven was exploring options for a career. We just couldn’t agree on what to do and which direction to go. I was desperate to do anything, even the wrong thing, just to get out of the United States. We traveled with some friends to China and were presented with an opportunity to teach at a Christian school. In my heart, I knew it wasn’t a great fit, but I wanted so desperately to get out of the United States that I cared about little else.

Then I became pregnant. I continued to fight the insatiable urge to run toward any adventure and away from a life that was predictable. I wanted to be a mother, but I couldn’t help but feel I was slipping into a place I could never recover from if I became “only a mother.” My husband felt like God was leading him into line work, a sometimes dangerous and demanding profession, but one that provided security and stability which he valued. This pursuit looked very much like an unshakable desire and one God was confirming. Yet, the ordinariness of it all felt like a stranglehold that was getting tighter and tighter.

SURRENDERING MY PLANS

During this time, I had a dream which was so realistic and vivid that I know it was God’s gentle nudging. In it, I was sitting across from our good friends (with whom we had traveled to China and who also happened to be our mentors) when the husband asked me, “What about your dream? Are you giving it up?” And I responded with, “I never asked Steven what his dreams were, and I’ve never given him permission to have any of his own.” 

Ouch. The very truth I didn’t want to confront was now unavoidable—and so was my selfishness.

I found myself at a crossroads: I could scrape and claw for what I wanted, or I could sacrifice my desires and trust God. I had said yes to God’s most daring adventures, but could I say yes to the ordinary ones—the adventures no one applauded or noticed, the ones a half million others were also living? That was a cross I didn’t want to bear—a cross I wasn’t sure I could handle. Could I ask God for a different one? One that involved more risk, perhaps?

I’m thankful God (and the pursuit of God) doesn’t work like that. He invites us into the journey with Him, not to reach a destination, but to learn who He is and who we are in Him along the way. If we keep to the rigidity of our plans, we’ll never experience the wonder of His plans. As we read in Isaiah 55:8-9: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord…so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

I also had to ask myself: Did I marry a bodyguard for my “mission,” or did I marry a husband who I promised to submit to when the going got tough? In Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul invites wives into a relationship with their husbands in a way that mirrors the church and Christ: a relationship of trusting submission. This is a passage that is often unsavory for some, but for me, it was life-giving to not only submit my plans to the Lord, but also submit my plans to what my husband was feeling called to do. In my experience, it isn’t a stringent command to follow, but an invitation to lay down an ideal that was crushing me, held together by a fear that whispered I would turn out ordinary if I wasn’t careful.

Pride.

The greatest evil of all was buried in the heart of my deepest desire. My desire to be like no one else, to do things that no one else was willing to do, and to break free from the trap of ordinary living, was rooted in pride. Pride can look like a lot of things, and it can even be the driving force behind a wannabe missionary. Like the most deadly diseases of sin, it likes to mix itself into the ingredients of our lives innocently to avoid detection. We cannot fool the Holy Spirit though, and the faithfulness of the Lord to set us free from ourselves is a power even stronger than the powers of darkness.

With the stirring in my heart, God invited me into the journey of letting go. I began to let go of my fear of being ordinary. I began to let go of my rigid expectations for my life and instead trusted God with the outcome. I wanted to say yes to Him without reservation of what it would produce in me. It unraveled me, but somewhere nestled within, the desire to be who God was calling me to be in this season of life—rather than longing for another one—bloomed. I wanted to be a wife who was a “crown to her husband” (Proverbs 12:4), and a mother who nurtured and “trained up her child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). My focus shifted from the call to “go,” to the call to “stay” and pour into the needs of my family. The dream sprouted within me to nurture a life that looked, dare I say it, a little more ordinary.

AN (EXTRA)ORDINARY ADVENTURE

Here I am, nearly eight years into our marriage, with two daughters and a third baby on the way. I own a black and white dog, black and white sheep, and live in a black and white farmhouse. My life is rich with color though, and I live for deep conversations with other moms about their journeys with Jesus, running a tee-shirt printing company with my friend, and writing words that I feel the world needs to hear. I’m a stay-at-home mom and would not have it any other way. Great difficulty and adventure have found me in learning to be the wife of an excelling lineman, learning to be a mother, and learning to be a daughter of the King, all within the context of providing a loving and hospitable home.

I now see the word “ordinary” differently and Ann Brashares’ quote that had so much power over me in my former days holds little weight now.

The taunting voice that threatens my identity is no longer a concern. Dying to self, picking up my cross, and following Him into a life of joyful wifehood and motherhood is the greatest adventure and privilege I could ever hope for. It isn’t for the faint of heart or those who shrink back, but for those who will go to the lengths it takes to live a life submitted to Him, leaving no secret desires left unchecked.

I must admit, sometimes doubt still sets in. Was I really called to this? But day-by-day, I continue down the path of trusting His plan, becoming the woman He has called me to be. If I’m ever to climb the highest mountain and reach the unreachable once again, then I trust He will bring it to pass in His way and in His timing, and more importantly, that my husband will also feel His tugging. For now, I’m in this slower season of life, where changing diapers and wiping noses while having the privilege of teaching my children about Jesus is my calling.

Truth be told, sacrificing my dream of adventure has turned into the greatest blessing of my life. That is anything but ordinary.